I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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