I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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