I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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