I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
