I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
