i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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