So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
