I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
