dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
