Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
