Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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