Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
