Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Randomize
