Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
