There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
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I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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