You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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