He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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