you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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