thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
