Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
