You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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