I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
