you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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