I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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