my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
