I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
