I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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