do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
