I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
