and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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