Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
