dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
