Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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