with your own penis?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
