So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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