Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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