had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
