So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So vagazzling was a success
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
