He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
