my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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