Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
