My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
