He kissed a someone with a penis
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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