so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
