I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
