I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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