Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
