I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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