Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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