im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize