Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
