My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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