There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
