Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
