There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
