and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
This baby is an asshole
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
