the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
