Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
