Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
