I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
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We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
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I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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