Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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